Alexander The Great

March 12, 2008

Who Will Clean My Inbox When I’m Dead?

Filed under: Modern Life — alexanderthegreatest @ 9:24 pm
Tags: , , ,

Every day I get about 50 emails. About 45 are spam. MF Doom put it best in Kookies “Supposed to be checking emails but all I’ve got is spam from ass nekid females. I don’t know a Jenny, but she says it’s free and I won’t owe her a penny. Last I saw of that one, but there are thousands more horrors in online Gomorrah.

Back to my Yahoo and Gmail accounts. Every day I delete and blacklist 45 or so spam messages. Every day 45 more get through. Sometimes I win the lottory in some foreign country like England or South Africa. Other times they want to give me a college degree. Usually it’s viagra. Or credit card debt. Every now and then they want to give me a bigger pencil – that one confuses me because I don’t write on paper anymore. 🙂

I used to curse the internet out whenever I checked my email. But I’ve gotten used to it. In fact it’s become a habit, a routine, and eventually given me a sense of purpose. I may be a cog in the machine like Pink Floyd, my name may have been replaced by a number (in hex, of course), but I clean spam from my inbox, and I do a good job of it. Thank you sir, may I have another?

This task has grown in importance. No longer is it the annoyance I felt in the 1990s. Having a spam free inbox is mission critical, it’s like being free of sin if you’re Catholic, so that when your time comes you can meet God proudly. Or having clean underwear on when you get hit by a car – for the kids. It’s necessary not to have spam in my inbox.

But the gates of heaven beg the question, who will clean my inbox, purge it of spam, when I’m dead? I can’t bear the thought of spam piling up like dust in a forgotten basement somewhere, never to see the online recycle bin?



  1. How can Porn only be 0.35%? THAT’S CRAZY!

    Seriously though, don’t you have some spam filter settings? Or keep your email addresses private? My emails only receive about 2-3 spam messages per day.

    Comment by James Lewitzke — March 13, 2008 @ 10:52 am | Reply

  2. Actually my gmail is my personal inbox, and it has pretty good spam filtering. I get 2 or 3 a day there. Most come from yahoo, which I use for anything that requires a web form email. I guard my privacy I guess pretty jealously. Yahoo is the one with really lousy spam filtering.

    Anyway, this was meant to be more of a funny post than a real complaint. I figured getting rid of junk email was something everybody could relate to.

    You’re right about the graph looking kind of funny, though. I swear every day I get lots of porn spam, and I don’t visit porn sites, so I shouldn’t be more than average. That graph came from the Barracuda spam filtering company.

    Comment by alexanderthegreatest — March 13, 2008 @ 3:42 pm | Reply

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